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The Contents of My Bag | Dec 16 2001


my bag photo: Pamela Cobb

Four general points before we begin:

  1. I bring my bag everywhere, as a matter of policy. Too many times I’ve left it behind, thinking that I was just, say, going around the corner, then regretted that decision as the need arose for an object in my bag. An ancillary advantage to this policy is that I never need wonder if I should bring my bag on any particular occasion; the answer is always yes.

  2. In contrast with my girlfriend, who only carries what she thinks she will need on a given excursion, I always carry the exact same items, all of which pass a certain informal test for combined usefulness and compactness.

  3. I am a practical person concerned with practical matters. Everything in my bag is in there for a practical reason.

  4. My bag is insanely sexy.

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INNER FRONT MESH POCKET

» Bee sting kit
My father, a pharmacist, once told me I would die if I was ever stung by a bee and didn’t receive medical attention in twenty-four hours. Crazy as this sounds, it is probably true, for the one time I was stung, my arm blew up to twice its size and my eyes watered like mad and I had a hard time breathing.

» Swiss Army knife
What am I going to do the next time I fly? In the past I’ve always carried my Swiss Army knife onto the plane (a result of carrying my bag onto the plane). However, post 9/11 this is no longer possible. The key question is: Will they allow me to pack the knife in a checked bag? If not, I’d be wise to leave it at home, for otherwise security is going to throw it in a big pile of box cutters.

» Rachel’s keys
We’ve been together nearly eight months now, and the apartment key exchange happened at about the four-month mark. However I still prefer ringing her buzzer and having her come downstairs to let me in, as this seems less intrusive.

» Work key
Although I only work there one day a week, I was given an office key. I haven’t actually used it yet, except for this one time that I was the last one to leave and locked the door and then realized I had forgotten my sweater.

» Emergency fingernail clipper
Given how I feel about my fingernails, it’s a comfort to know this is here.

PEN SLOT

» Two pens
I’m infuriated by how these Uniball 2mm pens, which I otherwise love, run out of ink in the exact amount of time established by the fuckers at Sanford as the shortest amount of time a pen will last and still not seem quite like a total rip-off.

» Yellow highlighter
Highlighters should be yellow. People who use other colors are wrong.

INNER FRONT COMPARTMENT

» Small collapsible umbrella
Given to me by my mother, who I have hurt deeply over the years for not liking or not using (and in fact often discarding) her gifts.

» Water bottle
The heaviest item in the bag, but well worth it. Not only saves me from buying bottled water, but ensures that I’ve something to drink on the subway.

» Two canvas shopping bags
Given to me by my ex-girlfriend, who bought them in Germany for something like fifty cents each. Never fails to impress the cashier at Prana Foods who otherwise ignores me.

MAIN COMPARTMENT

» Current issue of TimeOut
Finding a weekly magazine with comprehensive, well-organized movie listings transformed my experience of living in New York. It’s the only publication I subscribe to.

» 8.5” by 11” notepad in plastic notepad holder
Purchased the notepad holder, if that’s what it’s called, at Staples. More or less hate the cover, which is over-designed. Still, it’s nice how light and sturdy it is.

FRONT FLAP POCKET

» Two zip disks
One PC, one Mac. Be prepared.

» One floppy disk
Formatted for PC, since this works on both platforms.

» Wallet
No money here; I keep that in the front left pocket of my pants (right front pocket is for credit card, driver’s license, and subway pass). Wallet instead holds business cards along with various membership cards and IDs. Also, in a little zippered compartment intended for coins, a fingernail clipper.

» Work ID
On a chain to be worn around neck, which I hate doing but do anyway because I have no choice.

» Checkbook
I keep checks to deposit under the top flap, folded. Whenever I withdraw money, I look to see if there are any checks under there to deposit. This eliminates having to ever think about going to the bank to deposit checks. Most of my systems exist to save me from having to think about something. I am a lunatic.

» Keys
Color-coded:

Yellow = outside downstairs (think: caution, you may be mugged)
Blue = inside downstairs (think: freedom, you were not mugged)
Green = apartment (think: growth, prosperity)
Red = bathroom (think: emergency)

BACK POCKET

» NYC subway map
I love this map because it shows the entire New York subway system and is laminated. Lamination rules.

» Assorted maps and schedules
Manhattan and Brooklyn bus schedules. New York street map. Philadelphia commuter train timetable.

» 5” by 7” three-ring binder
Address book info (name, address, phone number) printed from a Word document; print-out of email addresses from Eudora; list of all the places I’ve ever lived; soft cloth for cleaning glasses in back flap.

» The Loser, by Thomas Bernhard
The only book I read. I am a lunatic.

SECRET HIDDEN INNER FRONT POCKET

» Rolling papers
A godsend when needed.

» Condoms
An assortment of male and female types. The female ones, in case you haven’t tried or don’t know, fit into a woman the way a trash can liner fits into a trash can (no offense meant), particularly in how the open end, which has a kind of ring embedded in it, encirles the outside of the, um, rim.